The loss of a loved one. How to live with it?

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Question:

Hi manygoodtips.com wonderful website. Ran into him about a year ago, and since then not a day goes by that I don’t come and have not read the new Wikipedia)) the Main reason, I think that in your journal I discovered such a thing as a soul and atmosphere that is called «among friends». In General, thanks to all the editors for this magazine, and wish you all success in your endeavors!

My question is very difficult, and today I all day thought they should write it or not. The fact that I have never and no one talked about it, and God knows what prompted me to tell you. But in any case I think I chose the right people.

My name is Stas, and 4 years ago my mother died, when I was 14. She was diagnosed with cancer less than a year, and it was gone. Honestly, during my illness I really did not realize the seriousness of what is happening, or maybe I just didn’t want to see, for now I am very ashamed. Little did I realize that one day my whole life would change beyond recognition, and continued to live as he lived, as far as possible, of course, I tried to help her, but somewhere deep down knew that my help is like a drop in the bucket, though, and tried to get rid of such thoughts. And then one morning telling me that she’s gone, I remember that after these words I have half an hour lying in bed, staring at the wall, just did not believe that this could happen. The whole day was a blur, I knew there had to be grief, but I didn’t shed a single tear, and honestly didn’t understand why still don’t understand.

I spent the next 2 days. Then came the day of the funeral, this was the tipping point when I understood the reality of what is happening. There were a lot of relatives, and everyone expressed their condolences, which only increased my pain. I felt that my soul wants to say something, but lips can’t utter a word, and the pain began to accumulate, she had no choice, and I know that she’s still in me. After the funeral, I was waiting for another impact move. I lived in a beautiful city, with which are associated the fondest of my memories, it had all my best friends, brother, all that was supposed to help me through this period of life. But I had to move to the grandmother with the grandfather in the village on the other side of the country (I live, by the way, in Kazakhstan) and leave everything that I loved. This village soon became my hell, cold, with constant winds, North of hell.

And with the same cold and frozen life. I was waiting for a new school, new friends – everything is new, but I refused to let go of the old and began to live alone memories. I shut myself in, supported conversations, tried to establish the first contacts, but no one was let into my life. I am of the opinion «why do I need all of you when far away, I have real friends», and it played with me a very cruel joke. I started going to school, and in life involved daily activities and responsibilities. But with that came such a thing as routine, until then, I have never seen it in my life.

The days began to move seamlessly into months, and months into years, so 4 years have passed. And here I am, writing this message. Looking back, I’m trying to remember at least one important positive memories during these 4 years, and to mind nothing comes. All this time I was living in the past, every year a little less, but still not enough to let him go. Now I’m a senior, and all I expect is when I leave this place. But I have a question to himself: so, maybe it’s not such a bad place, and you yourself made it so?

I often mentally go to a time when mom was sick, and begin to remember all their words and actions, and I feel very ashamed, I know I could do more than you did, in fact, to say what had to say, and increasingly there is a desire to go back and fix it. Sometimes I begin to look for his guilt and often find it. That is why my connection to the past is so tough: I can’t let him go, while feeling guilty and stop feeling like this is probably impossible. My message is not properly constructed question, I write it in order to finally to share what I have accumulated in the shower. But still ask the question, friends: you know my history, so how do I let go of such past and whether or not to let him go at all??

And yet, having the opportunity to address the readers, I want to say the following. The Internet is everywhere you can find quotes like: «Appreciate what you have because one day you’re about to lose it,» and so on, so here is a quote from the man, felt it on their skin: «do Not begin to appreciate until you lose, and when lose, it will be too late.»

As I said in the beginning, God knows what prompted me to write this. Perhaps it’s just time.

Answer:

Hey, dude! Thank you for your praise, we really try! Let’s talk about your history. Yes, it so happened that fucking fate did you crippling test, even when you were just a child, and I can imagine your feelings, I am sure that all readers embraced the story and want to help you at least with advice.

You had no purpose when he wrote to us. That’s right, you just wanted to talk. Apparently we were in that situation, when it is like being in a dead end and don’t know what to do, I don’t know whether he lived the last 4 years.

My mother is no more, and you know, you have no right to blame yourself, on the contrary, you have to prove yourself that you are strong, that knowingly came into this world. You have to do in my life something, what would your mother proud. For you it should be a powerful incentive that cannot be defeated by laziness and apathy.

You shouldn’t try to forget it all. Don’t run from the past. You have a precious memory: the memory of the person closest to you man. Tell me, what is your fault? That damn disease has gotten to her? You couldn’t do anything about it. You were a kid, the only thing you could help is just to be there.

Don’t blame yourself for what you not to cry when I heard the news. For a little boy it’s stressful, and I’m sure that your reaction can be explained in medical terms, which I don’t particularly understand. Your lack of understanding of the seriousness of what is happening, again, depended on your age.

When we are in adolescence, we still do not completely understand what love is, especially what the love of parents. Usually, parents and children can not find a common language. But as soon as we are far from our parents, we immediately begin to feel the full value of their existence. As a rule, this occurs already after 18 years. As, indeed, you have.

All these years you really did not understand what was happening. And I will not say that you were wrong when strongly refused to accept the reality. It is a natural defense, you have too much had to go at 14, including the relocation of almost strangers. Of course, kinship is, but how much do you know about the people themselves?

You didn’t have a choice, and unfortunately, the last four years became void. But now you decided to speak out, so ready for a change. I was thinking what to advise you. Graduating class, exams, admission… My opinion is: you don’t have to stay in this town. But how to carry out the move after graduation? You have no money and nowhere to go…

By the way, you all these years went home? I would have done so. Don’t know how real it is. To start to earn, over the summer this. You need to contact your brother, you may be able to stay in it for a while. Only here nobody will tolerate guests, even if they are the closest relatives.

In General, first, find people who can stay for a month or two. First of all, when coming to his hometown, to visit your mother. Tell her everything not had time or even thought to say 4 years ago. Talk to her, cry – it will get better.

After thinking about your education, where you can go and look for the school that provides the hostel. Get a job and live as an ordinary student. Yes, it will be hard, but it passed through all. Perhaps you will provide some benefits and training, so well acquainted with the law.

For this you need to make an effort to do on a budget. Although, on the other hand, to return to the past was probably not the best idea. Maybe dump in some completely different city? In any case, I’m sure you don’t have to stay where you live now. You rot there, of course.

The main thing now – to garner at least some support and to find the strength to leave the past behind and start a new life. I sincerely hope that everything works out for you and you’ll soon write us an email with more positive content.

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