Men do not forgive?
In the global culture of revenge have always been treated quite well. Remember all of these books and even movies that someone will revenge for someone avenges an old grudge and all that stuff, when he least expected it. Just think about it: some guy somehow offended you, you hold a grudge and one day, years later, decided to even the score and repay in the same coin. That dude forgot to think that one crossed your path, but you’re not, you don’t forgive, you get revenge, you’re a man and your cock is strong.
But the world’s culture teaches us that revenge is for men — the normal thing when it comes about his family or personal dignity. They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. Supposedly from the aftermath of resentment, revenge, no way, but if you wait to calm down and think over the details and revenge, it will be absolutely honorable and clear case.
I understand why the pleasure from all these great stories of revenge. Revenge, if you understand, played a bad role in the history of evolution. In primitive society the revenge of guaranteed punishment for those responsible and destroy the criminals who were a bad influence on the tribe. An eye for an eye. It’s rudimentary, original, but effective. Avenged, as a rule, men, for killing and hunting is a male occupation.
In connection with this the question arises. If we are by nature prone to revenge, then why forgive? Men do forgive?
What does it mean to forgive?
As a man, I think we often resist this idea, because, first, the idea of forgiveness is contrary to the idea of justice, and secondly, forgiveness seems to be a gesture of weakness. In the end, many people believe that to forgive means allow the guilty to escape punishment and continue to do all that he pleases. Did the lack of penalties encourages the person again and again to do the same crime or misdemeanor? But if it is, it turns out that forgiveness is for idiots? For wimps?
True forgiveness does not preclude justice. It does not interfere with righteous anger. It’s not an easy way to pull all the brakes and get rid of unpleasant conversations. This is no way to avoid conflict. Forgiveness is not indulgence for regular offense, and not acquiescence to permanent insults. It’s not even reconciliation, and forgiving, you don’t forget what happened and not to automatically begin to trust the person again.
Forgiveness is when you stop experiencing the bad feelings to the one who offended you, and here you have to balance among all of the nuances of justice. Forgiveness is a complex process during which you dislike in lieu of the offender compassion.
Sounds like it’s for the rags? Not for rags. Incidentally, if you’re going to forgive someone, you become little more than a man. For a lot of reasons.
Shows your maturity
Usually in movies and literature, heroes are easily resolved on revenge, because the plot is built in black and white, without any transitions and shades. The hero of the wonderful and cool, and his enemy is evil and kills all just «evil». Even in cartoons I was always put in a dead end this formulation.
In real life, such categorization is not found. In black and white see only children, and the epithets «good» and «bad» the teacher asked to be excluded from the language already in the first class.
Need to stop being a boy and become a man. Maturity implies the ability to put yourself in someone else’s place and look at the situation from another point of view. For this you need to understand that all live differently, in different conditions that people are complex and multifaceted, we all have our faults, their weaknesses, their unique stories.
Sometimes you have to put up with other people’s mistakes, but also need to understand why it happened, what was the motivation of the person. So, when the father was wrong, but why? Perhaps his father isn’t particularly think about his feelings. Or the fact that he thinks he knows all about how to be a father.
Your friend screwed up? What else happened at that time? Maybe he acted out of resentment or because you recently broke up with a girl?
Sometimes people make bad and quite random. In my life get different types of wounds and sore points, all begin to fear something. People not villains who want to take out of your soul — it’s just that sometimes they stumble, make mistakes, and fail. Just like you yourself.
This is a manifestation of responsibility
To be a man means to be responsible for themselves. Often we hold grudges, are protected by various excuses and never grow. We can’t forgive my father for that, because if we release this, we understand that the resentment against the father was the only justification for our own failures. We must move forward and take responsibility for their lives. And it’s scary.
When we hold on to an insult, we do the victim. We let others actions determine what our life will be. When we forgive, we begin to decide what we want to be.
Gives you control
If you are someone you forgive, you feel that kind of patron. Those with whom you make peace, not forgiving, to some extent, to manage, to make you dance to their tune, to lament, to pull the strings and always put pressure on the sense of remorse and guilt. Resentment gives you the illusion of control, but does not justify it.
This is the irony: in fact, pulling the strings, you’re not in control of anything. Your happiness depends on the behavior of another person. If he refuses to fulfill your demands, you’re gonna be offended. However, when we forgive a person, we no longer depend on his behavior. Let him do what he wants: we are no longer a concern.
Gives you the freedom
When we focus on resentment and revenge, we limit their freedom. We don’t understand so lock yourself in jail along with those who wronged us: it is the role of the prisoner, we officer. You can evict someone in the doghouse, but better still to fit two of us in the room. Or, as says the Chinese proverb: «he Who seeks revenge, even digging two graves».
Revenge eats us from the inside. When you let go of someone, you don’t just release it, you free more and yourself, will escape from the rotten prison and begin to move forward.
Helping you to grow
No one ever said it out loud, but anger makes us kind of feel better: stronger, cooler, colder. And the presence of the enemy and the prospect of revenge makes our lives meaningful, direct our thoughts. What would happen to superheroes if it wasn’t for revenge and anger? What they were doing? Where is your super powers?
However, why life is such an insignificant point? Why waste our precious energy on someone else when you can spend it on yourself?
When you forgive, you begin to pay attention to yourself. You analyze your feelings, think I’ll do differently next time, and come to understand how the pain helped you to grow and become better. Forgiveness can be that will help you to move forward.
Requires you courage
Accusations and bitterness make us feel cooler, but they often turn into failure to raise his head and endure the pain. Harbor resentment for your ex, each time remembering her demonic nature when she catches your eye is a protective mechanism.
We hide behind bitterness in order not to feel the pain of loss. When we release anger, we will be able to cope with the pain. Forgiveness is always a risk: we need to open that causes us pain, which can lead to new pain. And that takes courage.
Sets an example
Perhaps the peasant profit from forgiveness is an example for those who are near. When people see your generosity, they will love you and take you. Next time will forgive them.