If Jeremy Clarkson…

manygoodtips.com_31.03.2015_s9m3AMgps2wgQThat Jeremy Clarkson was expelled from TopGear, did not hear only the deaf-blind. And while the whole legendary trio goes with knapsacks on the white light in search of work, the bravest of the domestic TV channel «Star» suggested Jeremy of employment, despite the contradictory words in the Russians. Edition manygoodtips.com held the Clarkson proved himself in the role of leading the most popular Russian TV programs.

1. «A Pastor’s Word»

If Clarkson Sundays welcomed in the priest’s cassock casual viewers, the Orthodox would be much more interesting. Imagine how he deals with religion or even God in his characteristic manner: «of Course, Christianity is not perfect. The Jewish assemblies and stuff, but it’s still nicer than explode to get to Heaven. Enough to pay the money or take a dip in an ice hole at minus 30». Well, at the end of each broadcast: «And on that optimistic note, Amen.»

2. Let’s get married

Here it would be possible to call all three of them. Instead of hysterical Sabitova – Hammond, instead of constantly bearing some heresy about the stars and Pluto in the eighth phase constellation rats Vasilisa – may. Well, Clarkson is Guzeeva. Just imagine how they will ridicule all the freaks who came to find their soul mate. I’m looking forward to, as Jeremy will compare the forty-year-old divorcee with purchasing a used KIA: «Look at Elena. She has a bright design, it is aggressive and suited to show off to friends. However, for everyday life it fits the same as a Ferrari 355 for the transport of manure. Therefore, we suggest You choose Svetlana. It is much more economical, easier to maintain. Yes, the exterior design of her, like Hiroshima after the nuclear attack, too heavy rear bumper, but it does not covet the kidnappers.» And it would be interesting to see how the whole Trinity holds a test-drive candidates.

3. Live healthy

Here the old Clarkson will just have to do the same thing in Top Gear, only with human organs. And again, there is a place may, Hammond and the Stig even as assistants. Among the benefits, will increase dramatically the degree of adequacy. I think if Clarkson will offer to tell you about, how to poop, he’ll hit producer. But the discussion of liver disease will turn into a bright idea: «the Heart of a healthy person resembles the engine of the Porsche GT. However, in alcoholics, the heart is reminiscent of the old motor a broken, barely working Vauxhall. But the heart of Hammond’s more like a motor scooter.» Or: «Look at this liver? She looks just as bad as Vietnamese cuisine!»

4. Field of dreams

This is not said just lazy, but how hard Clarkson would say: «And the Grand prize is budget shit I could not even call a car!» Or how he would play the prize: «Take the money! Suddenly you get caught at it! It’s not even a car, I have the feeling that the designer was very angry when it was developed. I will personally give you money.»

5. Let say

Jeremy, to his credit, has always been an objective in the estimates. Therefore, «Let them talk» with Clarkson would be the shortest show in the history of television. It would look something like this: «And we welcome you to show where some asshole tells the remaining 140 million assholes about how they changed the lady to her husband. And on that bombshell, I end this transmission, because a better life led «Renault», than listening to like».

6. Evening Urgant

If you replace the rather boring Urgant on Clarkson, you will get daily night thrash show. On the other hand, it will remind all the guests of the Studio (especially overseas) about how shitty they drove in Top Gear. Discussion of news and guests will be reduced to the following: «has Anyone seen a normal movie with Oscar Kucheras? No, you couldn’t see because a normal movie with Oscar Cucharas is like a normal car with Autonomous control: it simply does not exist! Ladies and gentlemen, the Russian Robbie Williams – Oskar Kuchera!» Well, remember Oscar a sin: «You were a Russian version of Top Gear. Tell you there is nothing Holy?»

And each time a caustic mention of the show: «welcome to the program in which the saver rip-off of Saturday Night Live, exit – with Conan the sofa, Jay Leno, and the table – Letterman. And our producers have not found anything better than to make us drop the olive in a bra, I mean, our show, as Chinese car – it’s got everything, but it is impossible to watch».

7. Fashion verdict

«Today, we will try to make battered «Chevrolet-Niva» Jaguar F-Type. But since that is impossible, we will simply advise the family and friends of Catherine to get rid of her and find something fresh, because interior already smells like dead fish».

8. Clever and clever

The question is «Clever and clever» from Jeremy Clarkson would sound like this: «For what sins the people that won the Second world war, created a «Zaporozhets»?», «What’s the difference between «Aston Martin» from keira Knightley?», «What the hell are the people who travel by bus in the car pool lane got to get home before I do?» – Well, and the legendary: «what’s the problem of all French cars?» (that they are French).

9. Voice, children’s and adult

First, rougher Nagiyev can only be Clarkson. Secondly, it will be interesting to hear how a new leader will criticize the «English pronunciation» of the participants in his favorite style: «I don’t understand a word, it was like not in English, but the roar of wild animals, for example, on the Welsh». – Well, like this: «When little girls sing about unrequited love, it reminds me of bin Laden, who said in a talk show, how to love the world and to find harmony within yourself.»

10. Commenting on the matches of the national team of Russia on football

Everything here is very brief. After the first half you will hear: «I’ll travel by public transport than at least one more time watch the match of your team.»

11. Any political programme

«America is 250 million assholes who themselves were forbidden to use the word «asshole». And on that optimistic note, we bid you farewell. Bye!..» In short, Kiselev propaganda has a competitor. Unless, of course, it will not be to evaluate America on their machines. «I can’t blame Italy for the introduction of sanctions against Russia, because the Italians invented the Ferrari. From my point of view, Ferrari is just a smaller scale copy of the Lord God.»

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