How to start a conversation about pressing issues?
We wrote to you about what indicators should be based, assessing the soundness and future of your relationship. But one thing — sweating over a fleeting affair with the next love of your life, and more — to save a family relationship to survive the crisis. Moreover, if a family has a child. The degree of responsibility is completely different, so you need to go to the end, it does not break the build, as they say.
So, for that month, you have a girlfriend or wife, with which all grown-up, relationship cracking at the seams.
Whatever tactics you choose, from the tumultuous showdown in the role of «good guy» any bad peace is better than war, to resolve problems it will not.
«Nice guys» shy away from conflict, not wanting to inconvenience others or to escalate an already bad situation in the house, allowing the needs of others to replace their own.
This type of people, it is difficult to formulate personal goals and desires. Instead, they rely on «telepathy», hoping that their partners need to know intuitively that they need without further ADO. A familiar play? But usually the roles are distributed is exactly the opposite: it is absolutely girly option — a loud sigh and the question «What happened?» with concealed rage in his voice to answer, «Nothing!».
If the girlfriend/wife is such a «good guy» not good at mind reading, he becomes resentful and begins to ascribe negative qualities, namely, selfishness, and callousness, despite the fact that, in fact, never gave her a fair chance to satisfy his needs.
Or another option: you’re on a bad streak or small, but unsettling trouble. You go grim and chanting to yourself that you’re a man, and he will solve all their problems, not loading the second half. But then it runs the risk of take another turn. Your perpetual dissatisfaction and stress makes you irritated and offended by the whole world, passive-aggressive ass. This result broke the one thousand strong, at first glance, families, simply because people were not able to talk like an adult.
The following «original needs» are not a panacea and is not a formula that will instantly change your life and help you become happy, but this simple and effective template to communicate their desires affordable and productive way, without shouts and personalities.
Just adapt it for yourself and act according to circumstances. Pre-write a script, based on which, you can get out with minimal loss of field of oratorical battle.
1. The situation
A specific and objective description of facts, without unnecessary accusations, innuendo and «water». Try to start a conversation as possible in a more impersonal way.
We do not have relationships, and some crap.
Recently, we have become much more fighting than usual.
In our apartment a pigsty.
Too many of your things scattered on the floor.
What the fuck did you spend all the money?
We’re a little out of budget this month. Namely, a certain thousand rubles.
How many years ago was the last time we fucked?
The last time I had sex two months ago.
I was sick of sitting at home I want to spend the weekend with friends and drink beer.
I cancelled appointment to have dinner with your mom, who came to us for the weekend.
When you decide to openly Express all that I am in your soul, be very careful if you still want to achieve a productive and adult conversation, and not just another bout of verbal or oratorical battles, which lead to nothing, except for her convulsive sobs in a nearby locked room.
Your goal is to give a precise definition of his feelings and emotions.
Cut a wide palette of their negative emotions to one specific definition, adding a couple of relevant synonyms. If you’re angry, the feeling was more like anger or irritation? If from boredom, you’re ready to howl, it was the frustration, or confusion, or the overall depressed condition of the spirit? The more specificity in the description of your condition, the better.
Let’s understand how big the scale of the tragedy. You’re just bitter, or you’ll look where to buy two items, soap on a rope, for the price of one? Be honest with yourself and with her.
How long is your dissatisfaction? Since then, as you lost your job, had a fight with my parents or even since you were married?
The reason and context
Do not blame her for all his troubles and your joint adventures, no matter how great the temptation. The sooner you realize that in troubled relationships there is no one to blame, the better.
The attack instantly provokes a protection that will lead to a normal private quarrel, and once again you do not decide, for the sake of all and was started initially. Start the conversation with «I statements» not «You’re allegations».
You strangled me with your requirements.
I want to see my friends because I need to vent, I feel depressed and trapped.
You got me with your whining.
I feel like a jerk listening to your constant reminders about doing something.
You sloppy pig.
I feel very uncomfortable when I see that in our bedroom like a bomb went off, which defeated the whole wardrobe and makeup.
If you don’t give me, I can easily find who will.
I really feel bad that our relationship came to a standstill.
And yet, where you spent all the damn money?!
I worry about night calls with threats of collectors. You know that we now have a small temporary financial difficulties? Let’s plan the family budget together. I do everything I can to rectify the situation.
4. Request to change the behavior
If you still value the relationships that are in crisis, it is necessary to require a change in behaviour. Don’t expect it will change their attitude, values, desires, feelings or motives. That’s a different story: these characteristics change much more difficult, if not impossible. All the same what to ask her to become smarter and more appropriately and stop being hysterical. At least a little.
Which means please be more attentive or loving? These types of queries are perceived only as another rebuke and assault. Denunciations of information based on what is important to you, health and happiness of your relationship, avoiding sharp corners.
Where’s my borscht? Where cleanliness and order?
I would really like to see you washing the dishes after dinner and cleaned their clothes in the closet after I change clothes or get dressed.
Stop trying to constantly nag.
I want you to be less critical and more tolerant to me.
I fuck you don’t give up.
Means a lot to me as you greet me with a kiss and interested in how my day went.
Because of you, my balls are already ringing.
I understand that we’re both crazy workaholics and are always busy, but why have sex at least once a week. Let it even have to plan ahead.
Fed up with family life.
I want to see her friends at least once a month, when we will not have joint plans or pending cases.
When you request, offering a reasonable solution to the problem, perhaps, it comes that what you say is important to you and you just want to solve the problem and get your relationship out of the swamp.
1. Lead the conversation in a calm tone as possible. Don’t let anger or irritation to nullify all the efforts and good intentions.
2. Choose an appropriate time for conversation. You should not start the debriefing, if she shakes the baby in her arms or took a lot of work home and busy on the ears.
3. Don’t start from the global and urgent problems. Start small and see where it leads.
4. No need to feel flawed, if you first raised the exciting and topical issue. The other man, and especially woman, is a completely different universe that obeys only she understands the laws. What may seem obvious to you seems insignificant for her, not because she doesn’t love you anymore, but because she’s trapped in another’s brain and you just look at the same things but in completely different ways.
5. Try to take her every whim. After all, many of its shortcomings have you taken humbly, when I was possessed by hormones and chemistry of love. It has not changed; only your attitude.
But if your girlfriend refuses to cooperate with you, you also have a choice of how to act.
Consider this specific waiver in the future of all your relationships. There is an issue of such global, in the long run?
Expressing his disappointment at the fact that you again failed to find a common denominator, tell me what you’re trying to understand her point of view and return to this conversation later.
Say what you will solve the problem on their own, only let it not be punitive method with the burning of her smashing things or dirty dishes. For example, if you want a little distraction from family problems, join a gym, in a spot of rock climbing, work out, invite your friends to keep you company.
You know perfectly well that the perfect families and relationships does not happen, but in healthy relationships, both partners strive to work on ourselves and make each other happy.
All the above hemorrhoids makes sense if you both want to get out of the crisis of the relationship and move on, because this is not a one-way street: listen to what’s important to her that she wanted to change which way you move on.
Well, if the pending issue is very important to you, and you are not able to accept failure, or is already an established practice, when you’re trying to build bridges, in response to seeing only indifference, it is likely to establish nothing.