Develop the stamina. Part 4: the struggle with the unconscious thoughts
This is our fourth post about how to develop the stamina. You can read everything in chronological order: part first, second and third.
Have you ever reacted to events more emotionally than they deserve? And part of your brain responsible for logic, tells you that it’s not worth it, but you still feel angry, resentful, depressed or anxious and can’t cope with these emotions.
Such enhanced responses can hinder us. They harm relationships and prevent us from moving forward. Because of them, we dwell on unpleasant things longer than I should, take emotional decisions. These reactions do not give us bravely to face our problems.
Why do we react stronger than necessary? It looks like a collision with an iceberg. The water hides most of it, and seen is just the tip — and in the end we do not understand what actually happened. All you have to understand is that you’re going down.
The essence of the phenomenon
Inappropriate response — a sign that you’re driven by something hidden deep inside. Do you think that the world works a certain way, and feel the need to act within this framework. Deep motivation and values often move us and define our reaction to adversity. These hidden deep motivation are usually outside of our consciousness, deep below the surface. These are frozen once and forever entrenched ideas about the world that we keep in my head. What?
«I must succeed in everything that you undertake».
«People should always respect me».
«The woman needs to support me.»
«A man never shows his emotions.»
«Failure is a sign of weakness.»
«Never give up».
«Only weak people can not deal with their problems».
«I don’t want to end up like my father.»
«The most important thing is to be liked by everyone».
«Men always know what they are doing.»
«The man never does things by halves».
Examples of life
Let’s see how such ideas entrenched in the mind, manifested in real life.
For example, Bob sincerely believes that «people should always respect him». When he goes to work, someone cuts you off. Until the end of the road Bob is stalking this guy and trying to get back at him.
Peter believes that «masculinity is determined by the number of women». He approaches the beauty and she rebuffs him. Peter offended to the core and all the rest of the week scrolls in the head this time, feeling anger and depression.
Sasha believes that «man never does things by halves». His son comes to him and says that he no longer wants to play for the hockey team, because he stopped liking me. Sasha is angry at his son, says he is a loser and will never achieve anything in life.
How come these ideas?
Here everything is taking its roots in education. If your father was supersticky a man, he could impress upon you the idea that «men don’t show their emotions». If your mother is considered very important good manners, you probably think that «rude people are not worth communicating».
«Iceberg» in dealing with people
As we have seen, these views are like icebergs, and they can cause the collapse of our relations with people. It’s true, because often, these representations contain ideas about gender roles, even if we are not aware of this. Have you ever had to lose to a woman in any game? Perhaps it was especially offensive — much more offensive than when you won the man. It’s stupid, but such an emotional reaction caused by the «icebergs».
We all have stereotypes about how should behave a man and a woman, and when they are violated, we react very strongly and they are unable to understand the nature of this strong reaction.
For example, you do all the manly duties around the house. Or perhaps you’re in charge of finances in your family. And suddenly you’re doing something wrong, some little thing. Wife sees your error, pretends everything is fine, but on her face the disappointment. You can get mad, offended, to feel humiliated — it’s not a big deal, but stereotypes, that people always doing the right thing, make you mad. And you and your wife.
It works on both sides. A woman may be upset because of your small mistakes is the fault of their stereotypes. When you don’t make her seem weak, it can cause a reflex reaction of rejection. For example, my friend thinks that the man should be able to bargain, and I’m not able to. When I’m not negotiating, she’s very angry at me.
Problems that can cause such thoughts-icebergs
1. They are activated at the most unexpected moment, causing a too violent emotions and reactions.
2. They can lead to behavior that fits the situation.
3. They can cause you to fall into the same state.
4. They can complicate decisions.
The first three points are easy to understand, let’s focus on the fourth. You can have two stereotype: «a Man’s got to do what you love» and «Man takes care of his family.» And here you are summoned to the boss and offer you a raise. You know you’ll hate this job, but the family will receive more money. The collision of these stereotypes can paralyze you.
It is important to note that stereotypes are not necessarily bad or good — they can be different. For example, «integrity — the most important thing in life» is a stereotype. «I’m never dropping the ball» is also a stereotype that can go you good and at the same time pull you down and make you waste time on unnecessary things. «Trust no one» — a negative thought is like an iceberg. You can even think, what stereotypes would you like to save, and which, on the contrary, to get rid of.
Why is it difficult to melt the iceberg
You can say that it has long been known: I say, get rid of negative stereotypes and live happily. But it is not so easy. Usually such things are visible in other people, but when it comes to yourself, you’re going to filter the information and ignore what does not fit into your stereotypical view of the world, clinging to something that supports it.
For example, Sergey believes that «women cannot be trusted because they manipulate». When he begins to meet with Sveta, she tells him that he doesn’t want a serious relationship. Few weeks Sergei tells the world that he still wants more seriousness. She said that things were over between them, because it is not in its sphere of interests. Sergey concentrates on that, releasing of attention that the Light had told him: she doesn’t want a serious relationship. He will accuse all women of falsity only because he was not careful enough. And he will seek out unreliable women-manipulators to confirm its tenets. The brain is a complete dickhead.
«Iceberg» is not a hindrance
It is not easy to abandon what you believed your entire life. But you can guard against collisions with icebergs, which bring a destructive effect. If you are attentive, you can build quite a safe course. The better you know your icebergs, the better you can understand their reactions and have more energy to correct their behaviour and to be sustainable.
Remember to start the last event you did not react as it should. Ask yourself a few questions, why are you so felt. This will help you learn yourself. Here is a list of similar questions that can help you:
- What does this mean for me?
- What bothers me the most?
- What was worse for me in this event?
- What does that say about me?
- What’s wrong with that?
Ask yourself questions that can help because you see they make sense.
For example, such a hypothetical situation. Andrey’s wife in the name Anya once said to him: «I think the last time you began to drink more after work. Maybe we should do it a little less?» Andrew, of course, falls for her because he is able to control how much he drinks, and doesn’t need anyone’s advice on this matter. Andrew was able to act more wisely by asking yourself a few questions:
Question: Anya thinks I should drink less, what’s wrong?
Andrew: I’m a grown man and can calculate the required amount of alcohol. I don’t need a babysitter.
Question: Why is it frustrating?
Andrew: it’s Like she doesn’t trust me and thinks I can’t control myself.
Question: Why is that bad?
Andrew: I thought it was offensive — as if she thinks I drink too much.
Question: Why is this upsetting you?
Andrew: Because my father was an alcoholic, and I don’t want to suffer the same fate. I don’t like this.
Andrew realized that the remark of his wife had hurt him, because touched his fear of becoming an alcoholic, as it happened with his father.
If you do this exercise, you will find the reasons that drive its rapid reactions. So from the tip of the iceberg you get to its body. So enough to cosplay as the Titanic. Be persistent, man.